THE WHITEST KNIGHT

By P.K. Silverson

© Copyright 2009
By The Author
All Rights Reserved

Once upon a time, in a far away land by the Western Sea, there lived a young and beautiful princess named Kathryn. She lived in the castle of her father, the good and powerful king. By day, she enjoyed a spectacular vista of sunlit water and crashing waves from her chamber windows. By night, the darkening sky became a vast ocean of sparkling stars for her viewing pleasure.

Each evening, Princess Kathryn would stand on the balcony outside her chambers in the castle of her father, the good and powerful king, and watch quietly as the fire of the sun disappeared into the mighty waves of the Western Sea.

When the first star twinkled into view, she’d wish on it. This is what she’d wish every evening without fail:

“I wish my true love would come for me so we can live happily ever after together.”

It seemed a fair enough request at the time.

Princess Kathryn had never lacked for anything in her life. Her childhood was one of great happiness. She had blossomed into the loveliest lady in the land. This was hardly a surprise, because her father, the good and powerful king, had wisely chosen to wed the fairest bride in the realm.

But young Kathryn was more than just a pretty face. She was well-read and soft spoken, and blessed with a keen ear and a diplomatic tongue. She also had a body that wouldn’t quit.

As the only daughter of a wealthy and well-respected monarch, Princess Kathryn enjoyed a singular luxury: the ability to make her own choice in the matter of selecting a husband and successor to the crown of her father, the good and powerful king. To accommodate the best possible decision, Kathryn’s beloved father, the good and powerful king, presented her with lavish balls and formal garden parties, inviting the highest of the high, the best of the best, the cream of the crop for his darling daughter to pick over.

He summoned the primest princes, the most elegant earls and the dandiest dukes. They came from far and wide to answer his call, traveling over hill and dale and dusty trail, scaling their majesty’s purple mountains and cutting across the fruited plains.

But, sadly, despite their heroic efforts, the fair princess did not find her true love among them.

Even so, she treated all suitors with great kindness, neither leading them on nor making empty promises. In keeping with her talent for diplomacy, she knew just how to let each prospective husband down with great delicacy. “We can always be good friends,” she would tell them. And they’d believe her.

This was good, because it was a dark time for the world of light. There wasn’t a whole lot to believe in. The Heathen Infidel controlled the Holy Land, and True Believers were absolutely forbidden to exercise their God-given right of pilgrimage. No questions asked.

The call went out for those who were Pure of Heart to come to the aid of all good men. Few answered, but many were chosen. They gathered at the castle of the good and powerful king to await a fine, sturdy sailing ship to bear them down the gentle coast of the Western Sea as they started on their way to the Holy Land, where they were to meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his own backyard.

Princess Kathryn had just returned from a good will visit to a shelter for battered rams when she entered the great hall of her father’s castle to find all the nobility in a state of high excitement. She made her way to the throne of her father, the good and powerful king. Standing there, engaged in animated conversation with her father, was the object of his court’s rapt attention. He was the handsomest man Kathryn had ever seen.

He was dressed in shining white armor, whiter than driven snow or pure goose down or even the lovely princess’s own fair skin. He stood tall and straight and held his shoulders square all the while. His dark eyes smoldered with the quiet fire of untold mystery.

The young and beautiful princess felt her head spin like a bottle with no hope of stopping on a kiss. Yet, she took her place with polite attentiveness by the side of her father’s royal throne, just as any other well-mannered young and beautiful princess would do because it was her duty.

Finally, her father, the good and powerful king, finished his discourse with the handsome visitor. He looked up at his daughter and smiled. “I’d like to present the Princess Kathryn,” he said to the man in the white metal suit.

With a precise yet elegant flourish, the young man bowed deeply before her. “This is an unexpected pleasure, Sire,” he said in a rich, warm voice.

Without thinking, Kathryn offered her hand to him. He took it gently kissed it tenderly. It was all the princess could do to keep herself from fainting on the spot.

“Perhaps you could join us at dinner, young man, before you set about your Just Cause?” the good and powerful king suggested, seeing the crimson flush spreading across his daughter’s cheeks and recognizing it for what it was.

“It would be my greatest pleasure, Your Majesty,” the gentleman answered, “and my greatest honor.”

So it came to pass Princess Kathryn found the handsome stranger seated next to her at the royal banquet that evening. Even though the royal chefs had taken great pains to prepare her favorite dishes, the young princess could do hardly more than pick at her food, because, she found, she wasn’t the least bit hungry.

“What a dainty appetite,” her dining companion observed as he helped himself to extra portions of roast and vegetables, knowing this would be his last hearty meal for some time to come.

The princess blushed a lovely shade of ruby red and quickly changed the subject. “Tell me about yourself,” she suggested, “for I don’t even know your name.”

“How terribly rude of me,” her handsome dinner partner said. “Please allow me to correct that this instant. My name is Paul, Your Most Gracious Highness.”

“Sir Paul?” the princess asked in an encouraging tone.

“No. Just Paul and that is all,” he answered, smiling.

“No matter, Just Paul” fair Kathryn teased. “Please, go on.”

“I’m afraid there’s not very much to go on about,” Paul continued in a slightly unsettled tone, discovering the lovely sight of the princess’s kind expression interfered with his ability to concentrate fully. “I was born to hard-working immigrant parents who barely escaped the tyranny of an eastern despot.

“As I grew older, I was encouraged to train for lists because of my sheer size, which was decidedly larger than others of my age. I studied diligently at the side of a master knight and progressed quickly from vassal to protégée. I rather liked the broadsword and the mace, and seemed to feel quite at home in my armor.

“Noble patrons of the few practice tournaments I entered seemed pleased with my ability and flair. When the call went out for those who were Pure of Heart to come to the aid of all good men, I answered. I was chosen and that’s how I came to be here at the castle of our good and powerful king. I await a fine, sturdy sailing ship to will carry us off to the Holy Land, where we will meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his own backyard and return that which rightfully belongs to the True Believers.”

“Oh, my,” the beautiful princess sighed, captivated fully by the young man’s obvious passion and commitment. “Is someone waiting for you to come home to them?” she asked boldly, her heart pounding in her breast at the vivid possibility that she had just set herself up for utter disappointment.

“I’m afraid not,” the bold crusader shrugged.

“You do now, Just Paul,” Princess Kathryn reached tenderly for his hands, which he willingly yielded to her, “for you are my true love. I will remain loyal and chaste until you come back to me and we are married. And we shall live happily ever after together.”

A sudden hush fell over the great dining hall in the good and powerful king’s castle overlooking the Western Sea. Everyone held their breath, waiting for the brave adventurer to answer.

He stood slowly and turned to his host, the good and powerful king. “Your Majesty,” he said in his rich, warm voice, “I find myself in love with your daughter and she with me. May I be so bold as to ask your permission to take her hand in marriage when I return from the noble quest on which I embark in the morning?”

“Sure thing, Sonny,” the good and powerful king said in a relieved voice. He knew his daughter had chosen well and wisely a worthy successor to his crown.

A great cheer filled the dining hall of the good and powerful king’s castle overlooking the Western Sea as the Princess Kathryn rose to her feet to meet her True Love’s warm embrace. They kissed and all else was forgotten, because the world was full of infinite possibilities. Or, so it seemed.

The night sky was illuminated by endless waves of sparkling stars for the singular viewing pleasure of the new couple. But time passed, as time always does. A new day broke over the majesty of the good and powerful king’s purple mountains, spraying spectacular rays of the sun across the expanse of the mighty ocean. A fine, sturdy sailing ship glided into the harbor, ready to carry the gathered army of True Believers off to meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his own back yard.

“Remember me, Sweet Paul,” the young and beautiful Princess Kathryn bade her tender farewell to her own True Love. “Know in your heart of hearts I will remain loyal and chaste until you come back to me and we are married. We shall live happily ever after together.”

With that, the handsome crusader kissed his One True Love one more time. Then he made his way slowly up the ramp of the fine, sturdy sailing ship. The waters of the Western Sea were still and calm as the worthy craft navigated out of the harbor by the good and powerful king’s castle. A gentle breeze blew in the direction of the Holy Land, holding the promise of a safe, swift journey into the Arena of Destiny, where the Heathen Infidel awaited.

At supper, the captain of the vessel invited the crusader Paul to his table. “I’ve heard,” the weathered sailor said, “you are to marry the Princess Kathryn upon our return.”

“That is so,” the young adventurer answered.

“You’re a lucky man,” the captain observed. “I’ve seen the fair princess. She’s quite a catch.”

“I know,” Paul answered, smiling. “She’s the loveliest lady in the realm and she’s got a body that just won’t quit. What more could anybody ask for?”

“You’re on a roll, kid,” the captain said. For so it seemed.

The fine, sturdy sailing ship navigated the gentle coast of the Western Sea easily. But fate did not remain kind long after the last sight of solid land fell behind the horizon. A brace of dark and ominous clouds soon rolled across the friendly skies. The light of the kind and reassuring sun promptly disappeared.

Where once there had been a soft breeze came a howling gale. Then rain. Then hail. Then sleet. The mirror calm of the infinite ocean shattered into great, churning waves. They rose up and attacked the worthy craft mercilessly. The hardy vessel resisted the power of the tempest desperately. But in the end, it was no match for the storm.

News of this most terrible tragedy drifted back to the realm of the good and powerful king. Upon hearing it, the Princess Kathryn refused to accept her One True Love had perished. “He will come back to me,” she insisted firmly. “I will remain loyal and chaste until he returns and we are married. Then, we shall live happily ever after together.”

Although she did not know it, Princess Kathryn was correct about her One True Love. He did, indeed, survive the wreck of his fine, sturdy sailing ship. Clinging to a piece of the shattered hull, he rode out the angry storm in a semi-conscious state until he was washed up on a desolate beach. There, he fell into a deep sleep. He did not waken for many days. When he revived, the sun once again shined in the vast, blue sky, sending warm, friendly rays to restore the young crusader to vigor.

He rose to his feet. His still-damp armor of purest white made moving difficult and slow. He surveyed the unfamiliar horizon. Then, with a shrug, trudged off down the beach. It was still his duty to make his way to the Holy Land and meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his very own backyard.

But this was not to be. No sooner had brave young Paul climbed to the top of the ridge overlooking the unexplored shore when he was fallen upon by a band of savages who rode their horses bare-back. These barbarians called to each other and shouted at the bewildered adventurer in a strange and foreign tongue, which was hardly surprising, Paul later considered, because he was no longer anywhere close to home.

Without so much as a by-your-leave, the leader of the savage band swept a powerful hand under the young crusader’s arms and lifted him across the back of his rearing mount. They charged off together down the road, racing away from the hostile sea at a break-neck pace.

In no time at all, poor lost Paul was brought to a wondrous palace surrounded by splendid gardens. The leader of the savage band reined his gallant steed to a halt, much to the relief of bold adventurer. He had been straddled across the back of the beast in a most uncomfortable manner. Taken down roughly from the back of the horse, Paul was led straight away into the wondrous palace. He was escorted to a great chamber with large, swirling columns reaching up under a curved dome of unbelievable height. There, he was left alone to wait.

He waited as the sun rode high in the sky and started its great decent toward the hostile sea beyond the palace walls. He waited as the light of day faded into shadow, and then into  night. And still he waited until he could wait no more. So he lay down on the bare floor and he slept.

When he woke, he was no longer on the bare floor of the great chamber with large, swirling columns under a curved dome of unbelievable height in a wondrous palace surrounded by splendid gardens.

Sometime during the night, Paul had been moved. He found himself on soft, feathered pillows on the floor of the largest chamber he’d ever seen. In the center of the room was a grand, colorful throne. He found himself resting at its foot.

Above him, on the throne, sat an exotic beauty. She was tall and slender with smooth copper skin and wide hazel eyes. She had long, flowing hair and wore a scanty outfit of brightly colored fabric which ill-concealed her full, firm breasts. Her legs obviously reached from the floor to the gates of heaven itself.

“Hello,” the puzzled traveler greeted his beautiful hostess.

“Hello yourself, big boy,” the woman replied in a honey-coated voice. “I was afraid you’d sleep the day away.”

“I’ve had a tough week,” the bold crusader said as he lifted himself from the pillowed ground carefully.

“Oh, yes,” his beautiful hostess admired as he drew himself up to his full height.

“Allow me to introduce myself,” the young man said, remembering his manners. “My name is Paul.”

“Just Paul?” the woman asked with an encouraging smile.

“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the lost adventurer conceded.

The woman rose gracefully out of her seat. She flowed toward him with majestic self-assurance. “I’m so glad to meet you.” She curled herself against his side and he could feel her excitement even through the hard skin of his armor.

“And who, may I ask, are you?” he inquired in his most polite tone of voice.

“A friend, perhaps,” her voice hinted the truth could depend on many things, “or not. Do you think I am beautiful?”

“Oh, yes,” the stranded crusader said cautiously. “Quite beautiful.”

“Then you desire me?” the question suggested gratification would be instantaneous for the correct answer.

“I’m afraid not,” Paul answered hesitantly.

The woman pulled away from him and anger blazed in her eyes. “Why not?” she demanded. “Why do you not desire that which all men desire? Why do you not accept that which is granted only to privileged few?”

The young crusader stood his ground and stared evenly into the flashing glare of his hostess’s eyes. “Because,” he answered in his rich, warm voice, “I am promised to another. She is my One True Love. She waits for me to come back to her, and I know in my heart she remains loyal and chaste. We will be married and live happily ever after together.”

“I see,” the beautiful temptress said bitterly. “You are a true romantic. If I cannot have you, at least I can have the tale of how you came to be on my beach.”

Brave Paul repeated the story of his ill-fated travels to his hostess as concisely as he could. When he was finished, she clapped her hands sharply together three times. Before the last echo of the third clap had faded away, the disoriented wanderer was flanked by muscular brutes who glared at him with undisguised hatred.

“So,” the raven-haired temptress said scornfully, “you seek to journey to your Holy Land where you will engage our neighbors in combat. That’s all well and good with me. But you come before me and enjoy my hospitality, extended, I might add, at no small expense, without the smallest thought to returning courtesy for courtesy.”

“I’m sorry if I put you out,” the startled crusader answered, somewhat confused because he’d had not a bite to eat nor even a chance for a decent wash-up.

“Spare me your regrets,” his angry hostess waved a haughty hand at the door. “I’ll get a return on my investment one way or another. Take him away!”

With that, two of the muscular brutes took the poor adventurer by his arms and lifted him off his feet. As quickly as possible, they carried him out of their queen’s sight. They gave him the bum’s rush to a side exit of the wondrous palace. Waiting for them at the service door was a tall man who concealed himself beneath a dark cloak.

The largest of the muscular barbarians spoke in a gruff, curt tone with the tall man. The stranger reached inside the dark cloak beneath which he was concealed. He drew out a large pouch that jingled when it was shaken. The barbarian took the pouch roughly, shoving poor bewildered Paul in the direction of the mysterious figure once he was satisfied the satchel contained that which he expected. Then the brutes disappeared back into the depths of the wondrous palace surrounded by splendid gardens. They slammed the service door shut behind them.

“What is going on here, if you don’t mind my asking?” the brave crusader asked the cloaked figure standing beside him.

“Not at all,” the man answered. Laughter filling out his broad, hearty voice. “These heathens just sold you to me. You might say you’re my slave now, hearty.”

“They can’t do that,” poor Paul protested.

“Why not? It’s their country. Their rules,” the stranger roared with laughter. “If anybody asked me, hearty, I’d say you were on a losing streak.” For so it certainly seemed.

“And who are you, if I may be so bold?” asked Paul, whose thoughts had begun to spin most unpleasantly in his poor, confused head.

“Of course it’s all right, bucko,” the tall man laughed again. “A man should always know his master. I am the Dread Pirate King at your service.”

“That’s quite a title,” the young crusader stood his ground. He stared evenly into the eyes of his new lord and master.

“It impresses the riff-raff it’s meant to impress,” the Dread Pirate King laughed heartily. “I’ll wager a bold fellow such as yourself will take somewhat more convincing. Come along now, laddie, and step lively.”

“Where are we going?” Paul wondered.

“My, aren’t we full of questions,” the Dread Pirate King observed. “We’re going down to the sea in my ship, dear boy, and out of this vile, filthy land. Or would you prefer I send you back into the lady of the house, who, I understand, is none-too-pleased with you.”

“No,” Paul decided. “That’s quite all right. I’ll go with you.”

“Good man,” the Dread Pirate King laughed.

Time passed, as time always does. No word was spoken about poor brave Paul again in the realm of the good and powerful king. Princess Kathryn withdrew from the day-to-day business of running a kingdom. She preferred instead to take meals in her chambers and stare out her windows at the spectacular vista of sunlit water and crashing waves.

Each evening, she would go out onto her balcony and watch quietly as the fire of the sun disappeared into the mighty waves of the Western Sea. When the first star twinkled into view, she’d wish on it, and this is what she’d wish every evening without fail:

“I wish, my One True Love would come back to me so we can be married and live happily ever after together.”

It seemed a fair enough request. It was her only hope.

This was good, because it was a hopeless time for the realm of the good and powerful king. In the villages to the south, towns were being constantly attacked by sea-faring marauders who sacked and pillaged and plundered mercilessly. They left little behind for the taxes due to the good and powerful king.

“Something must be done about this menace,” the good and powerful king declared. “Tthe man who rids my domain of this scourge will receive the hand of my daughter, the fair Princess Kathryn, in marriage.”

“No, dear father,” the beautiful young princess protested, “this cannot be. My One True Love will come back to me,” she insisted firmly. “I will remain loyal and chaste until he returns and we are married. Then, we shall live happily ever after together.”

The good and powerful king just shook his head. He sent out a call for the bravest of the brave, the best of the bold, the cream of the crop to meet the challenge of the marauding scourge and win the hand of his fair daughter. He summoned the noblest knights, the most courageous soldiers and the heartiest seamen. They came from far and wide to answer his call, traveling over hill and dale and dusty trail, scaling their majesty’s purple mountains and cutting across the oceans white with foam.

Before each brave stalwart set out on his quest, the good and powerful king introduced them to the fair princess, hoping the meeting would provide added motivation. But, sadly, despite his good intentions, the fair princess did not inspire them. She greeted all with an even temper and demeanor, being particularly careful not to lead them on with empty promises.

In keeping with her talent for diplomacy, she knew just how to let each prospective savior down with great delicacy. “We can always be good friends,” she would tell them. And they’d believe her. But, somehow, this was not quite enough.

Brave men all, they answered their monarch’s call and headed out to sea. But none returned, they all got burned or drowned by the enemy.

Time passed, as time always does. One day, a tall stranger wearing a long, dark cloak presented himself at the gate of the good and powerful king’s castle. “I know a way to end the reign of terror by the sea-faring marauders,” the stranger told the captain of the guard. Before he could sit down and take a load off his feet, he was escorted post-haste into the good and powerful king’s great hall.

“I understand you know a way to end the reign of terror by the sea-faring marauders,” the good and powerful king’s eyes shone with hope as he addressed the tall stranger.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” the tall stranger answered in a rich, warm voice.

“Tell me how,” the good and powerful king demanded. “They’re bleeding me dry.”

“I will, for sure,” the tall stranger answered. “But first, you must marry your daughter to me. No questions asked.”

“And none will be,” the good and powerful king decided, desperate enough to try anything. “Summon the Princess Kathryn,” he ordered the captain of the guard, who made it so.

The princess entered her father’s great hall to find all the nobility in a state of high excitement. She made her way to the throne. She saw her father seated there quietly. Standing next to him was a tall stranger who was concealed beneath a long, dark cloak. “You called for me, Father?” Princess Kathryn asked in a soft voice.

“Yes, my darling,” the good and powerful king answered sadly. “I have a favor to ask of you. You must accept. It is our only hope.”

“Then name your favor, Father,” the princess said bravely.

“Marry this man today,” the good and powerful king commanded.

“Sadly, Father, I cannot,” the fair princess answered. “I must wait for my One True Love to come back to me. I will remain loyal and chaste until he returns. I will marry him and only him. Then we shall live happily ever after together.”

“Then all is truly lost,” cried the good and powerful king miserably.

“Not so, Sire,” the tall stranger said. “The marauding scourge from the sea is already gone, because your daughter has remained pure and chaste for her one true love.”

“How can this be?” the good and powerful king wondered. The great hall was uncharacteristically quiet in anticipation of the answer.

“It’s an incredible story,” the tall stranger who remained concealed beneath his long dark cloak began. “I don’t know if I quite believe it myself.”

“Tell me, please,” Princess Kathryn asked quietly, taking a seat in her throne by the side of her father, the good and powerful king. “Take your time, and don’t spare us the details.”

“Thank you ever so much, Majesty,” the hooded stranger bowed deeply.

“You see,” the cowled man said, “I am the Dread Pirate King, scourge of the seven seas. It is my men and I who have terrorized your Southern towns. Our fine, sturdy sailing ship sits in your very harbor right now.”

The good and powerful king’s court gasped in astonishment.

“Could I get a beer?” the Dread Pirate King asked the fair princess. “It’s been a long day and I’m kind’a dry.”

The princess summoned for refreshments as the Dread Pirate King went on.

“Some time ago, when I was in exotic waters,” the Dread Pirate King said, “I chanced across a strange opportunity. A warrior, brave and bold, had washed up on the shores of a foreign land. He’d rejected the intimate hospitality of a beautiful ruler because he wished only to complete his quest to meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his own backyard. Then he meant to return home to his One True Love.”

“I knew it,” Princess Kathryn’s voice was filled to the brim with excitement. “My Sweet Paul is alive.”

“Was alive at the time,” the Dread Pirate King corrected her. “Nobody said anything about now. That was then, this is different. You follow?”

“Yes,” Princess Kathryn said, still smiling happily. “Do go on with your story.”

“Certainly,” the Dread Pirate King said graciously. “Well, as you might well imagine, the beautiful ruler of that foreign land was not the least bit happy with her visitor. She meant to put a quick end to him. But she changed her tune when she saw the chance to profit by selling him into my services, so that’s what she did.

“I took the lad under my protection and heard his story. He was so sincere, he almost convinced me to sail off to meet and beat the Heathen Infidel in his own backyard. But I knew better. Those buckoes are not about to be beaten in their own backyard, and I don’t like giving up the home field advantage.

“So, since it was my ship and my crew, my rules prevailed. We went back about our pirate’s business of plundering and pillaging. I was hopeful the young hearty would acquire a taste for our way of life and join in the fun. Oh, time out!”

The refreshment the Dread Pirate King had requested was brought to the good and powerful king’s throne and served to the monarch’s guest. The sea-faring marauder drank his fill, thanked the fair princess politely, then continued his tale.

“Anyway, I couldn’t keep the lad around much longer. He was eating our supplies like any able-bodied swab, but there was no return on my investment. I put it to him that I’d have to throw him overboard for shark-bait if he didn’t start pulling his weight. He told me he just didn’t have the heart for our line of work.

“Well, I hated like hell to see him go, so I offered him an alternative,” the Dread Pirate King smiled an awful smile. “I told him if he could solve a simple riddle for me, I’d just take him straight-away home. That way, when he failed the test, it wouldn’t be my fault at all.

“So I put the question to him, and what I asked was this:

” ‘Are all souls the same size?’ “

The good and powerful king moaned in misery, knowing in his heart of hearts that his daughter’s hopes were about to be dashed forever. “What did the boy answer?” he asked the Dread Pirate King.

“Keep your shorts up, bub,” the hooded man answered. “Anyway, he thought it over before speaking and then he said, ‘That depends.’

” ‘Don’t crack wise with me, laddie,’ I says. ‘Depends on what, you tell me?’

“So he answers, ‘It depends on the person you’re talking about.’

“Now, most folks, when I put that question to them, they don’t know what to say, so I run ’em through,” the Dread Pirate King laughed at a memory the nobility of the good and powerful king’s court did not wish to share. “But this spunky young bucko, well, he knew.

“So I asked him to prove his point. He explained it to me like this:

” ‘Are men’s souls bigger than women’s souls? Are adult souls larger than children’s souls? Do good souls loom over evil souls? I don’t really know. What I do know is some people only have souls and some people have hearts. It’s people who have hearts who know what their souls are for, because they love and they are loved. Their souls are wider and deeper than those who never use their hearts. That’s why it depends.’

“I was very impressed,” the Dread Pirate King continued, “but I wanted to see some practical example of the lad’s theory. It was he, himself who came up with a way to prove it.

“He guided us here to your shores where we marauded and pillaged and made a tidy profit. He foresaw that when there was no money left for your coffers, oh good and powerful king, and push came to shove, you would offer your own daughter herself as the prize for ridding your kingdom of the likes of me. And that’s exactly what you did.”

“Yes,” the good and powerful king agreed sourly. “That’s just what I did.”

“Then,” the Dread Pirate King went on, “I presented myself here today as your last hope, with your daughter’s hand as my price. But she remained pure and chaste for her One True Love in the face of the bitter end. I can see from her devotion she knows how to use her heart. Obviously, her soul has more depth and breadth than yours for it.”

Princess Kathryn stood up quickly and went to the side of the Dread Pirate King. “Then you’ve brought my Sweet Paul with you and returned him to me?” she asked eagerly.

“He waits outside your castle gate even as we speak,” the Dread Pirate King answered, his face relaxing into one of angelic joy.

“At last!” the young and beautiful princess rejoiced. “Guards, fetch my One True Love to me right away.”

Then he turned to the Dread Pirate King and held him in her firm embrace, calling, “Captain of the guard, attend me.” The good and powerful king’s chief security officer promptly rushed to her throne.

“Take this vile creature and cut off his head this instant,” the fair princess commanded. “He has murdered our countrymen and robbed our good and powerful king. Then have your cannons open fire on the fine and sturdy sailing ship resting in our harbor. Don’t stop firing until that vessel has been sunk to the bottom of the sea.”

With that, the Dread Pirate King was hauled away post haste. All the while he screamed bloody murder, but to no avail. Before the doors of the great hall opened again to admit the beautiful princess’s own True Love once more, the sea-faring scoundrel lost his head at the chopping block.

The good and powerful king declared a holiday the moment the brave crusader was safely back in the arms of the beautiful young princess. Once the tower cannons finished mulching the pirate ship, they thundered again to mark the event.

Great joy spread throughout the kingdom. The news of a royal wedding was announced. For his steadfast valor in the face of terrible trials and temptation, the young crusader was dubbed knight of the realm by the good and powerful king, then married to his One True Love the very next day.

Eventually, the good and powerful king abdicated his throne to take up with a dainty dish that had been set before him, confident his daughter and her husband could rule just as effectively as he himself.

For their part, the new Queen and her husband were blessed with many healthy children and then grandchildren after that. Their many years of wedded bliss lasted right up until they passed away, which happened, strangely enough, within hours of each other as a result of a mercifully swift fever which attacks only very, very, very old people.

So, Paul and Kathryn really did live happily ever after, after all.

Moral: When you’re hot, you’re hot. (And, when you’re not, you’re screwed.)